There's no beating around the bush with this . . .
What I know about this situation is that I'm frustrated with life and I know that I can do better. There are certain things that I know about myself and there are certain things that we all know individually about ourselves, and these are the types of things that aren't discussed with other people, quite frankly - and I'm talking about that internal dialogue that is the "voice," if you will, of the personal, inner witness.
(laughing) Do you know I can look down at my feet and know that these were the same feet that carried me through nursery school [or] preschool, first grade on up through junior high, high school, the university, all the different cities [I've] lived in, all the different shows that I did on stage, all the different characters I've played, all the different jobs that I've worked and all the different roles that (generally speaking)in life that I've played, that you've played, that we've all played that Shakespeare so eloquently describes when he celebrates for us the notion that "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." And in those roles we express ourselves; but this brings us back down to a private place of expression that is between me and me; or in more general terms, it's between you and you - it's that part of us that governs our own reason, that gives us insight into what we consider, and it is that which helps us determine what we conclude about what we consider; and I mean on all levels of everyday life, everything that makes us who we are as individuals, everything that creates a uniqueness in each one of us with every breath we take and literally with every move we make, as well.
I don't always like what I consider in this "internal dialogue," if that's what we want to call it: my private, internal dialogue - and we all have it. For instance, we all have that voice of reason, that voice of justification and that voice of judgment that, for our own (individual) peace of mind, calls the shots for us. It's what makes each of us who we are - almost a gene pool of unique perspection. We all have opinions, we all have reasons for those opinions. And those opinions are based upon what we perceive and how we perceive it.
There'a a place inside each of us and that place is a private, unique chamber of thought, and it may "occur" (pointing to his head) up here in the head but where it resides is in the heart. And for each one of us, this can be a blessing or a curse.
I'm doing this today, making this video confessional because I know that I can do better in life. The older I get in life, the more I realize how much (ultimately) where I'm at in life is up to me. And the question of "Where am I?" can branch out into a huge variation of just what is meant by "location." I think for right now, at this time in my life, "location" to me would have to be derived from concern over personal security with relationship to God, relationship to health - spiritual, physical, psychological, and a toubling need to unify body, soul and mind in such a way as to harmonize myself to benefit with all circumstances that pass through me - because that's how I view it.
We are alive. Each of us - we are an energy, each one of us - and we move thorough the process of life. And in my view, the way to size a person up is to develop a knack for not weighing a person's value upon what they're wearing, or how they speak, or what they do for a living or what they don't do for a living, or how much money they have . . . Ultimately, if you can imagine (holding up both hands) one soul here and one soul here and we move in a direction through life, and as two particular energies either merge or pass by one another or create a circumstance where there is observable action, then a presence may be detected by any of the senses. By sight, smelling, all of them actually if you want to get literal about it, all of the senses: sight, smelling, seeing, touching and tasting - meaning those attibutes which God gave to us experience life through to recognize these energies and whatever for they take and whatever impact they make at the time of observation or imply at the time of observation. And this is where wisdom comes into play. We all want to make the right decisions. And let's be honest with one another: don't we, each of us, know when we're doing wrong? (pause) I know when I'm doing wrong, OK? And I know I can do better than I have been.
Even now, I am nervous at the prospect of really letting go of everthing that's holding me back and finding out the true depth of whatever power I can conjure up and explore - because that's what life is! One of my personal curses in life is my natural tendency to supress this power because it is overpowering to me. If I allow all access, then how in the world do I [harness and]focus all that energy? This takes a real facing of oneself. It takes a real willingness to let go, to allow for new experience. Not to any longer put myself into a position of finding myself where I seem to so disenheartingly be in life, but instead to move forward and embrace these new feelings as opportunities instead of hindrances, because I know deep down inside can go further than I am. And I have to confess there's a strong, intimidating part of me that feels it really boils down to a matter of God waiting for me to "come around." I came across this notion years ago when I was writing a series of 700 verses for Karlovema. And when I was writing those verses, I came to realize that it's not man who waits on God - it's God who waits on man. God has everything set up for us to do, amazing things - and as a single human race we get in our own way. We don't understand each other, we're afraid of each other, we fear one another - we fear differences in one another, we fear change. All of us have these essential emotional components that makes as we are: but, you know, we are made in the image of God and God shows no fear in the light. When God gives us the light there is no fear because it was light that created opportunity. It seems to me that if I'm to look at this objectively, then it would be the darkness that would close me off so that there is no opportunity for light, if you will - there is no process of moving to a higher transcendence of conscious soul. there's that stumbling around in the darkness that Jesus spoke of.
So I'm nervous about really tapping into who I can be, or taken from a different perspective - who I already am; and I start wondering, well, what if I just took this one small thing and did it differently? What if I ridded myself - ridded? What if I rid myself of a particular bad habit? We all want to stop smoking or [stop] eating certain foods or the bad habit of telling ourselves, yeah, I'm going to get around to working out or spending more time doing a particualar activity that is considered healthy - the idea being don't think about it anymore, don't talk about it anymore, start doing it.
A video transcript to an honest confessional regarding the subject of Karlovema as it pertains to personal responsibility in the moving course of the consciuos, inner witness.
